Fever of Unknown Origin and Other Diseases of Infectious Origin!! ORDER NOW!

It’s been awhile since my last blog entry (I don’t really count the Ice-Cream video as a legit entry, although it is fairly spectacular in its own right). Before I began writing I told myself that the blog shouldn’t turn into a “got a wash, ate some food, took a piss” affair and, to date, I think I have remained loyal to myself. I try not to bore you (and myself) with the insignificant minutia of day-to-day life in PPC, and as such, I haven’t really had much of anything to report lately. Yep, it’s been a slow couple of weeks. With Jimmy and Andrew both attending conferences in Manila, things really ground to a halt over here. It’s a sad state of affairs when two people constitute 100% of your social life. On the positive side, I got to talk to the young girls working at ChowKing an awful lot. We really built up some strong relationships. They say, “Hello Sir Andrew” and I say, “I’m Matthew” and they say, “Sorry Sir Matthew” and I order noodles, and they say, “I receive 200 pesos”, and I get my change, and they say, “Thank you Sir”.

It’s beautiful.

I bumped into my new best friends at Jollibee one afternoon just as I was sitting down to eat and they were getting up to leave. We noticed each other from across the room at which point I smiled and did one of those strange but appropriate “open-eyed quick eyebrow raises” that implicitly mean “How’s she cuttin’”, or something to that effect anyway. They responded with dual smiles and a single “Hello Sir Matthew!”

See? Totally BFF’s.

Anyway, I’m getting precariously close to discussing daily minutia, so I’ll continue on with the real point of this entry: my hospital visit. For the past few weeks I’ve been feeling like a piece of shit. My stomach has been giving me all sorts of grief in all sorts of interesting ways. I figured it might just be the radical change in diet I’ve experienced and my body needed a bit of time to adjust, especially to the ridiculous amount of rice I’ve been eating. Before the Philippines, rice was reserved to remaining on the plate after I ate all the foods I liked, occasionally to be poked at if I was still hungry after eating the delicious portions of the meal. These days, rice plays a key role in keeping me alive. Seriously, if rice doesn’t come as a side with the meal you can bet your ass that something in the meal contains rice. All that gluten can’t be good for a relatively gluten-free system. Just to be safe I decided to go to a doctor.

On Friday, Andrew and I got up and took the multicab to the Adventist Hospital on the San Pedro Highway. After filling out a short form we took a seat and waited to be admitted to the doctor. I have to say, I was pretty impressed with the hospital overall. It was very clean and quiet and not crowded at all. Best of all, we were both in and out in less than an hour, but I’m getting ahead of myself. My name was called and I was seen by Dr. Raquel Hisoler-Aloquin, family medicine and infectious disease specialist. Wait......what?! Yes. I was seen by an infectious disease specialist.

Besides the fact that I was a little freaked out about seeing an infectious disease expert, the visit went pretty good. The doctor explained that Typhoid could be the source of my stomach problems, but it wasn’t very likely. She suggested that I get some blood- and pee-work done to be sure, so I obliged. I walked across the hall to the lab, gave some blood, and went to provide another donation. I’m such a philanthropist. After I gave my all I left and the nurse told me to come back in two hours for the lab results. Yes, you read that correctly. Back home you’re lucky if you get results back in two weeks, so hearing “two hours” blew my mind. Long story short, results didn’t show anything out of the ordinary. She told me to eat more fruit and veggies, drink plenty of water, take multivitamins, and stay off the rice for a while. As I left she thanked me for coming, shook my hand, and gave me a calendar....

I could spend all day telling you why the calendar is awesome, but it’s much easier to show you. So here you go:

Finally, a reliable physician to look at my raging schistosomiasis.

Back when I first arrived in PPC I wrote a small blog entry about some of my favourite things. To end this entry I’m going to add two more things to the list. I’m sure they aren’t specific to this city, or even the Philippines, but they are both awesome.

More Things I Likes:

1. Bizarre Foreigners

No matter where you go there are going to be weirdos. That’s a fact. The weirdos in PPC are of a special breed. Most are rice old retired weirdos who have come to enjoy the “good life”. That is to say, the young women. Almost every foreigner I see is a wrinkled old coot with one or more young women following him around. I was strolling down the road the other day when I passed an old Australian dude with half a dozen women surrounding him. He muttered something to me in a ridiculously thick accent, so I really couldn’t pick out what he was saying, but I’m sure it was fairly indecent. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t respect or applaud these foreigners. I actually think they are dirty old mummies. But, I do have to laugh at (and maybe even respect a teeny bit) their audacity. It must take a huge set of balls to walk around in a silly-ass golf uniform, complete with Hawaiian shirt/checkered pants combo, with three twentysomethings hanging off your arm at 80. Then again, if you’re 80 and can somehow connive your way into this kind of situation, who am I to judge?

2. Strange Products

I touched on this subject before. I absolutely love going to NCCC and browsing the aisles. Every time I go I find something new to make me giggle. Yesterday I went shopping to pick up a few packages of noodles and some bananas, but ended up buying a ton of absolutely unnecessary items. Squiz cola is my personal favourite; the secret ingredient is squiz, which is probably disgusting. Other weird products include Cup Keyk brand cupcakes (now with more nut toppings!), Burger King flavoured French fry snacks, and the very fishy Fish Flakes. There are very few western products to choose from. Mostly hair care products, beverages, and cereals. While perusing the cola shelf I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw a can of 7-up. Fido-fucking-Dido was on the can. I’m seriously considering leaving my clothes in the Philippines and filling up a suitcase with all these awesome food finds. T-shirts with Bob Ross or Optimus Prime on the front I can get home. Fido Dido on a can of 7-up? I can only get that shit in my dreams, 1992, and the Philippines.

Oh, right, I bought a powder blue T-shirt with Bob Ross on the front with “Childhood Hero” emblazoned under his beautiful face. Unfortunately, Lian’s Laundry turned it into a belly top. At least, if I ever try out for Menudo I’ll have a sexy costume.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bob Ross.