An Inqueery.

It’s almost that time folks. In about twenty days I leave Palawan. First I need to take a short plane ride to Manila and over-night there. The next day I’ll get on a series of airplanes, including a 15.5 hour monster from Hong Kong to Toronto, and, barring crappy weather delays, will arrive in St. John’s sometime around midnight on March 2^nd. But before I wave goodbye to this island (in all practicality for good) I feel I need to discuss a subject that I’ve briefly touched upon: gays and lady-boys.

In an earlier blog entry I mentioned an experience I had with Andrew, his lady-friend, and her lady-boy friend. I’m not going to go into detail because I already thoroughly explained that situation. However, this was at the start of my stay in Palawan, before I knew the extent to which the Velvet Mafia had a stranglehold on this nation. What was then a humorous and uncomfortable experience has become a long, drawn-out unfunny joke. If there is a God (and there’s not), He’s testing* my heterosexuality via a daily gauntlet of homosexual smiles, stares, and cat-calls.

Enough is enough Man.

Seriously though, who wouldn't want this?

Before I start in on a rant I have three points to explain:

1) Filipino’s use the word ‘gay’ as a noun and not as an adjective. For instance, if man walked by wearing a ruby-studded speedo, sporting a Final Fantasy haircut I would say, “Wow, that guy is gay!” while a Filipino would say, “Wow, that guy is a gay!” I mention this to avoid confusion, as I am probably going to interchange the noun and adjective forms of the word throughout this post.

2) Gay’s take two distinct forms: A) The classic ‘gay’ gay, and B) the ‘lady-boy’ gay. The classic gay is your standard, original recipe homosexual. You are likely to see these walking down any street in St. John’s**. The ‘lady-boy’ gay probably needs no introduction. As the title suggests, he prefers to dress in women’s clothing and act in exaggerated facsimile of femininity. Think ten thousand brown Marilyn Monroes breathily singing “Happy Birthday Mr. President” in broken English and you’re on the right track. Peter refers to ‘lady-boys’ as ‘Billy-boys’ or ‘fakkin Billy-bois’.

3) I am not homophobic. Please do not take this rant as an admission of homophobia or prejudice. Most of my best friend’s are gay, probably.

So, let’s start the ball rolling here.

The Philippines is a nation of homosexuals. There, I said it. I’m not trying to be rude, or funny, or make broad generalizations (by making broad generalizations), but this is the truth. One of the first things I noticed when I arrived in the Philippines was the astounding number of children running around. One of the second things I noticed (seconds later) was the astounding number of pregnant women. The third thing I noticed? The absolutely astonishing number of homosexuals floating and mincing through the streets. After a few months of field study and observation I’ve determined that approximately thirty to fifty percent of the male population are gay. I have no reliable lesbian number yet, but have people working on it. With at least three homosexuals for every ten men, I can’t help but wonder how 90 million people ended up inhabiting these islands. I figure the remaining men must be working overtime to keep the ladies pregnant. This fact (I’m going to call it a fact anyway) segues neatly into my next point: acceptance.

Gayopolis

I believe that Canada, as a nation, is relatively accepting. That is, we have a high tolerance of other races, cultures, religions, ways of life, and sexual preferences. Well, except the French. Having said that, I do not believe that, as a nation, we are ready to have ‘lady-boys’ selling us electronics, refinancing our homes or even serving us Big Macs. The Philippines is ready and has fully embraced this “third sex”. ‘Lady-boys’ are widely seen as just another group of people and not as ‘freaks’ or ‘weirdos’. Why is the Philippines so acceptant (admirably so) of ‘lady-boys’? My theory is that the ‘lady-boys’ (and other gays) just leave more women for the heterosexual males. For a nation as notoriously horny as the Philippines, this is a godsend. ‘Lady-boys’ significantly increase the average Joe’s chances of getting laid and, as such, are rewarded through complete social acceptance and a total lack of physical or verbal assaults. We could learn a lot from these people.

A typical Filipino street

But another question needs to be addressed: Puerto Princesa is a fairly small city with a moderate population comparable to the St. John’s CMA, so why are there so many more gays and ‘lady-boys’ here than in St. Johns?

The short, reasonable answer: I have absolutely no idea whatsoever.

The better answer: Pollution.

The difference between Puerto and St. John’s (besides the other thousand differences) is pollution. For a small city Puerto is very polluted. The pollution is mainly of the air variety and is primarily caused by the hundreds of tricycles that act as the city’s main transportation network. They clog the streets, spewing noxious gasses and ear-splitting noises from dusk until dawn. I’m no geneticist, but in my expert opinion I think all the smoke is affecting the pregnant women and prenatally scrambling the “man” gene while simultaneously activating the “poof” gene. The result is an inordinately high number of ‘gay-births’. It’s either the pollution or Muslims. I haven’t decided.

With a page and a half of background information and theory out of the way, maybe I should get to the crux of my post, which is as follows: I am a beacon of white, pasty light to the gays of Puerto Princesa.

I really have no idea why I get so much goddamn attention. I don’t think I act feminine or provide any signals to incite interest, but something is definitely going on. Daily I am approached by strange men on the streets asking me where I’m from, where I’m going, and what my number is. A creepy old guy cornered me in the living room a few months ago and told me I was *ahem* “cute”. A group of ‘lady-boys’ who live on the street up from mine (Roxas Street) regularly wave and smile at me (last week one waved, one smiled, one blew a kiss, and the fourth sang Single Ladies). It is unsettling.

Puerto Princesa City Council meeting

A few days ago I was walking around the city distributing the survey Andrew and I have been working on to various tourism operations. I arrived at a place (StarMiles Tours I believe) and couldn’t open the door. The sign said Open but the door wouldn’t budge. I started to walk away when an arm appeared out of nowhere and jiggled the door in just the right way. The door popped open and, as I turned to thank the stranger, immediately regretted waking up that morning. A powerfully gay guy was standing there, a big stupid smile spread across his face. His left arm was slightly raised, hand completely limp, while the other was crooked against his waist, the back of his hand nestled into the groove of his hip with his finger spread out like a fan. He looked like a very gay teapot. To make a long story short, I talked to the woman behind the counter about why I was there and what I was doing, taking special precaution not to engage in any eye contact with anyone. I got the hell out of there as quick as I could, and in my haste completely forgot that I had written my name and number across the back of every survey in case anyone had questions or needed clarification.

To date I have received thirteen text messages from this man, the most recent being:

“its betr n0t 2 meET d perS0n & kn0w dEM. Bc0z, its easier 2 let go wen d oNLY thng u kn0w is just their name.” L

Jesus Christ.

Keep in mind that this garbled, cryptic nonsense is from a guy I met for three minutes and - except thanking him for opening the door - have never spoken. So then why all the attention? Could I be *gasp* too sexy??

Sadly, I don’t think this is the case. I believe there is an altogether less mysterious answer: I am young, I am white, and I usually walk everywhere alone. That is it. Foreigners get a lot of attention anyway (I have five year olds staring me down in the streets) and being white is somewhat of a curiosity for everyone. In general, I receive an overwhelming amount of attention from pretty much every group of people you can possibly think of as well as the gay community. Also, gays are men, and men are naturally more aggressive than women, so I am probably just focusing on all the unwanted attention a little too much because it is right in my face. In any case, I still don’t think this excuses the thirteen goddamn text messages I received from, well, whoever the hell he was. That might be cultural or he may just be retarded. I haven’t decided yet.

Well, I’ll be back home pretty soon, where it’s too cold to be gay. And, I honestly cannot wait. The Philippines has been fun, but six months is more than enough. I don’t think I have the stones to be a world traveler, and I am perfectly OK with that. I have a cozy rut carved out in St. John’s and will be quite happy to resume chiseling it even deeper when I get back. Before I know it I’ll be boarding the plane from Manila to Hong Kong, waving goodbye to the Philippines forever.

And, to tell you the truth, I won't be the least bit surprised if we fly through a huge rainbow on the way.

Bye Bye Philippines!!

*Testing is a poor word choice. This would imply that I'm having an internal struggle against the cat-calls and smiles. I'm not, but I can't think of a better word.

**Or mulling around Sweetapple's back door. I mean that in every possible context.